Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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