don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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