Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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