You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
