your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
