It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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