he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
third nipple confirmed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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