Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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