I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
