you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
