Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
