last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I came so hard my ears popped.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
