So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
