I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
