I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
