3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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