Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
