This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
