I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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