after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
