I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
