Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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