dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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