She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
