fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
