somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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