If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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