would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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