Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
