Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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