he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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