worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
