5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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