I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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