you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
