Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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