I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
