Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Can I color on your dick again?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
