I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
