On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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