Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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