do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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