I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
