he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
