I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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