Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
