We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
