Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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