i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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