i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
