Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
