JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
