we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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