but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i think i just lost a toe
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